Get Back to School Right Now


Those lazy mornings lolling around in pyjamas are over; yes, it's that time of year again. Getting the kids ready to go back to school is never easy but with Jonathan's 'stay on top of your game’ strategy, he is going to ensure your child gets to school each day without looking like something the cat dragged in.

Honestly, I cannot wait for it. In fact I will take them all back myself. Whose idea was it for this two to three month holiday during the hottest part of the year anyway? I can tell you the parents don’t want it. Show me someone who loves having their children off school during the summer and I will introduce you to their nanny.

I would like to suggest that we pace the return to school, instead of all the little darlings going back on the same damn day.  The salon basically turns into a playground in the days leading up to the start of the school term and I just can’t cope with it. Parents PLEASE book your offspring in at least 10 days before, allowing us plenty of time to cut the green ends out of their hair. Yes that's right - green! I have already had one Kermit child in this month and I know it won't be the last.

Going green

What do you do if your little cherub's hair now resembles lime jelly? Yes ketchup works up to a point to remove the green, but if your child has spent every waking moment in the pool for three months straight, particularly ones with high chlorine levels, ketchup is going to do sod all.  So don’t be horrified if I end up telling you that I have to bleach the ends back (and, please God, do not try this at home). It’s either that or we shave it all off.  Thankfully, we haven't lost any children's hair due to bleach up to this point (correct at the time of print).

Now what you SHOULD have been doing since the start of summer is using the Paul Mitchell Three Clarifying Shampoo €14,63 which removes chlorine and salt without compromising texture or shine. My good friend (AKA ‘The Death Star’) has been using it religiously on her son all summer and he still has perfectly white hair. She will admit that his hair has been slightly drier due to certain components in the shampoo, however she has compensated for this by using a richer conditioner and his hair has never looked better.

I am dreading it

Do NOT rock up to this salon with your child looking like a part-time Rastafarian and tell me you have been looking after their hair all summer. Because there is nothing I love more than standing for hours on end with a tail comb, trying to unpick a knot so big it could have its own postcode. The only way to deal with those type of horrendous dehydrated knots is to go in with scissors and open them up and, yes, this will result in hair loss. The amount of loss depends totally on the size of the knot. You have been warned.

This takes me back to an incident which happened a few years ago when one particular child with beautiful silky, shiny, waist length hair was dropped off at the salon by her nanny. She was booked in for a 45 minute, under-12s hair cut, so I was totally unprepared for what I found when I parted her hair. Basically the underneath of this poor little sod's hair - from the top of her ear to the nape of her neck - resembled a bird's nest, the likes of which you should only find in a bloody oak tree somewhere. This knot had clearly started off much smaller and there is no way the supervising adults would not have noticed it. They had simply been brushing the remaining hair over the top of the knot. I suspect the lack of hair care started around the third week of June judging the size of it. I mean the kid had her very own, built-in bun ring.

The 45 minute hair cut became a three hour Crystal Maze extravaganza. Just ask Lottie. For it was she that spent those three hours using pure coconut oil and a tail comb to disentangle the matted knot from this child's scalp. The nanny, by the way, returned after 45 minutes and was annoyed to find her charge still at the wash basin. At first she acted shocked upon being shown the monstrous knot, but eventually admitted she might have known about a ‘small’ knot. Oh, and then she had the audacity to tell us we were not allowed to cut any of the little darling's hair off. I didn’t know whether to slap her repeatedly or throw her out. In my opinion that knot was paramount to child abuse. Needless to say there will be NO MORE of those in the salon.

All tangled up

You know my motto that prevention is better than cure. All it would have taken to stop any knots forming were a few key products.  Again Paul Mitchell is a life saver in this department. The Paul Mitchell Dentangler €16,50 works to condition and unknot medium to coarse hair while the Paul Mitchell Conditioner €16,50 can be left in the hair, which at least stops the brats crying because you are ‘riving’ their hair out.

Do we hear rehab calling?

A note to the parents: prepare yourselves! You haven't set an alarm for nearly three months and have probably consumed your fair share of vodka during this time, (totally understandable when having to deal with the kids' summer holidays). On the first day of school you are going to feel like the world has ended.  You will be left with a hangover from hell and basically not know what has hit you. I recommend you start by swapping the fags for smoothies and try to wean yourself off the 10am G&Ts as soon as possible.

The boy done good.

As much as Gerry gets on my nerves, I will give praise where it's due. Katie Kane is a long time client of mine and has become sick and tired of using clip-ins in her hair. After going on and on at me, I finally gave in and agreed to hair extensions (mostly just to get a bit of peace and quiet really!) I did her usual colour and then picked out two matching shades of Great Length Extensions which I passed over to Gerry. He flawlessly applied 125, 50cm extensions to give Mrs. Kane a mermaid worthy mane. Gerry finished off by beautifully blending the extensions with Katie's own hair and styling with his new best friend, the In-Styler. The results speak for themselves.

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