ONE-ing

In 2014, after 10 seemingly blissful years together in which they raised two children, one named after a significant biblical figure, the other a piece of fruit, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin and Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced to the world their “conscious uncoupling”. The incredulous public met the news with understandable confusion – “But they're always smiling aren't they? They've got it all haven't they??.... ..“What the FUCK is conscious uncoupling??!Call your kid a bit of fruit if you must but call breaking up “breaking up”. Shout, throw stuff at walls, slag each other off to to your mates, try to shag theirs and then break up, but don't consciously uncouple. Nobody's glued you together. It's not a game of drunk Twister....”  

For many the term smacked of new-agey pretentiousness – en effort by millionaire stars to elevate themselves above the tawdry squabbles and perceptions of failure so often attendant to the end of a marriage.... “Do they reckon they're better than me just because I'm open about the fact I think my ex is a fucking plank??”
Nevertheless, in the five years since, the term, coined by a psychotherapist and relationship coach (American obvs), has really taken hold, with literally... some people using it. The rest of us are still calling those people pretentious whilst we shout, throw stuff at walls and then use divorce proceedings to fight each other for the walls and the stuff we threw at them.

Well, last month reformed witch Emma Watson hit the headlines with her own entry into the relationship lexicon. During a refreshingly honest and vulnerable Vogue interview in which she discussed very relatable insecurities about reaching 30 without a significant other or family nest, the actress managed to snatch a facepalm from the jaws of victory by describing herself not as happily single, but “self-partnered”. Whilst the (possibly ironic) choice of words might once again have carried a whiff of pretension or as some observed, defeat, the sentiment, if not the phrase itself has since been applauded for adding a substantial counterpoint to the widespread stigma of solitude.

Society screams to us to cosy up and settle down and studies have long-since shown partnering, especially through marriage is generally good for your health, resulting in increased life expectancy and improved recovery from serious illness or trauma. Conversely, loneliness is known to exacerbate both mental and physical health issues from depression to cardiovascular disease, stress to strokes.
What Watson threw a big celebrity light on is the really-shouldn't-be-novel notion that being 30 and single doesn't automatically mean you're lonely or desperate for a partner, despite what your smug coupled chums might believe. If someone as beautiful, talented, intelligent and successful as the UN ambassador is single, perhaps it's through choice, rather than desperate, fugly, socially inept, spotty-faced, snaggle-toothed, smells-a-bit design. Of course we're presuming here that Ron fucking Weasley's not the only person who's shown an interest in her. 

Could it be there are actually benefits to bucking society's force-fed narrative and going it alone?
Data collated from over 13,000 Americans and 4,500 Europeans shows habitually single people are in better physical shape than their nested counterparts, exercising more frequently, weighing less and sitting lower on the BMI index. The cynics among us would say these buff singletons are desperately peacocking around the gym for a partner while the rest of us are contentedly cuddled up on the sofa eating takeaways but the cynics among us would still kill for those abs.

Single people tend to sleep better and good sleepers generally have stronger immune systems and healthier hearts, a lower risk of obesity, diabetes, stress and depression. Single people can lie at whatever angle they want across the bed without being kicked and single people don't have to get up in the night to put jumpers on because single people's fiancée always rolls onto her front after a bit and takes the duvet with her. Single people aren't woken up at 6am by single people's fiancée's hairdryer even when they don't actually have to be up themselves until 7. Single people aren't kept up every night by snoring meaning single people have to go and sleep on the sofa which makes single people's back hurt. The only snoring single people do occasionally have to listen to comes from the revolving door of hot single people that single people are free to shag all the time because they're JAMMY BLOODY SINGLE PEOPLE!!! ….Single people also have less credit card debt. 

As well as that lower chance of credit card debt, single people avoid the potential strain of merged finances. A 2014 study of 2000 people showed 1 in 3 admitted to lying to their partner about money, with 76% of these saying the deceit caused strain on their marriage. A strained marriage leads to stress and the types of health complications mentioned before which a happy marriage helps mitigate - approaching half of all marriages end with couples fighting over those walls. It's a fucking tightrope isn't it folks? 

Single people are also more likely to excel in their careers, with more time and energy free to dedicate to higher education and career progression as opposed to passive aggressive conversations with in-laws, nappy changes and night feeds.
Finally, single people tend to foster stronger bonds with friends, family and community. In a 2010 study of 300,000 men and women, researchers recorded mortality rates as 50% higher in the subsequent 7.5 year period for those participants who lacked a strong social circle. Friends and family provide entertainment and a support network to help ward off stress and illness. 

Relegating your mates to the sidelines when you're blissfully happy with the one is all well and good, but will those mates still be there when you and the one split up because the one shagged one of your mates... that one won't obviously.

So there you have it. Perhaps being single and 30+ isn't quite the desperate freak-show so many patronising comments and pitying dinner-party looks would have us believe and if you find yourself telling people you're “self-partnered”, you're not necessarily losing...

….you're just pretentious. 

Ian Greenland     www.iangreenland.uk