CHEERS

Ian Greenland explains why life’s better with beer

Another month, another fun event disappointingly cancelled because someone a long way away ate a bat or something. For the second year running, Germany's world famous Oktoberfest will not be going ahead due to you know what.

The annual festival, held over 2 ½ weeks in Munich originated 211 years ago to celebrate the marriage of the Bavarian crown prince, later to become Louis I, to Princess Therese von Sachsen-Hildburghausen (thank God she could then change her surname to I...)

These days, it attracts over six million visitors annually who gather to sombrely reflect on the sanctity of marriage and the role of the monarchy in providing a....  wear funny clothes and drink staggering amounts of locally brewed beer. In fact, only six breweries operating from within the Munich city limits are proffered the honour and responsibility of lubricating the wheels of this juggernaut. Destination: Hangover!

In 2018 the festival reported some 13 million pints of beer poured. Of course, pints of beer being pints of beer, not every last drop will have been drunk. Some glasses were no doubt misplaced, a dozen got a bit too warm for liking, four probably got flies in and at least one is bound to have been knocked over, but 13 million is nevertheless an impressive tally. Compare that to 1910 when Oktoberfest saw just 210 thousand pints sold (a respectable amount for a one hundredth birthday but a far cry from 13 million) and it's clear to see that those saddos walking around a bit too quickly in sepia tones didn't know how to party/self-medicate like we do today. And it's not like beer was a  novelty back then – it's actually one of the oldest drinks produced by humans (and the sub-humans still making Special Brew). Scientific research reveals evidence of beer production around 7000 years ago in what's now called Iran, with the Chinese getting blasted long before they discovered gunpowder, some 5000 years back. Europeans appear to have come on board around the same time, brewing mostly domestically, although some monasteries began making a buck on beer from the 7th Century AD – You can't just get loaded on Church wine / blood of Christ.
Come the industrial revolution, we realised a few fingers lost in machinery and a handful of kids stuck up chimneys were a small price to pay for glorious, golden malt liquor and the ensuing proliferation of beer goggles at a time when personal hygiene was still questionable and haircuts and clothes were totally crap helped spur the kind of population growth which today makes it virtually impossible to maintain two metre social distancing (well that and selfishness).

7 millennia after people in Iran first consumed fermented cereal and then wondered why they were taking their clothes off and singing a bit too loudly in public, beer is an intrinsic part of life, coming only behind water and tea (flavoured water) as the 3rd most popular drink on Earth. With China, the United States and Brazil at the forefront of production, 2019 saw 191 billion litres of beer produced. That's around 52 pints for each person living on the planet. When you consider much of the world's population is too young, old, sick, poor, preoccupied or boring to contribute to that statistic, whilst some simply prefer a glass of Rosé, you realise just how much that shouty guy outside the Tesco Local must be putting away.  

So why have we grown to love beer so much, despite the fact the first time the majority of us tried it, we probably pulled a bit of a face? Well, four years ago, a research team (German naturally) confirmed scientifically what many of us had already intuited: Beer makes you happy. Comparing 13,000 different food components to see which was the most effective at stimulating the brain's reward centre, Hordenine (not, as it happens, a middle name of Princess Therese von Sachsen-Hildburghausen, but an ingredient found in beer) topped the list. Activating the dopamine D2 receptor to release feel-good hormones which coincide with a pursuit of pleasure as opposed to a biological need, it's no wonder some of us don't know when to call time. Like any hedonistic pursuit, moderation is key. When triggered in sufficient quantities, dopamine can actually have detrimental effects on the body, in the case of Hordenine in beer, frequently leading to all-out Doner Kebab.

With the closure of vast swathes of the hospitality industry during the pandemic, it's no surprise trade sales of beer have plummeted of late. Whilst the horrors of homeschooling invariably increased alcohol consumption amongst parents and home workers now have the ability to skull Stella from coffee mugs on Zoom calls undetected, it's likely wour domestic efforts have not been enough to plug the financial hole in the beer industry's keg. The “Eat out to Help Out” scheme introduced in the UK last Summer looked capable of clawing back some ground but then wholly unexpectedly, encouraging millions of people to mingle indoors during a viral pandemic led to soaring infection rates and further lockdowns???!! Though completely impossible to predict from either a scientific or rudimentary half-a-brain-in-your-fucking-nut perspective, the government (whose beer in the House of Commons bars our taxes massively subsidise) have learned their lesson.... Their new scheme: “Chase wasps and convince them to pay for all the beers they've landed on” is expected to prove similarly injury free and successful.

Regardless of its current economic woes (relatively speaking), beer's been around for thousands of years and it'll be here for thousands more, provided we are of course. It's more popular than coffee and nobody's worried about that stuff.

So pour yourself another. It's bound to be beer o'clock somewhere.