Beethoven Burgers and Fries

According to the BBC, a McDonald's branch in Wrexham, North Wales has decided to start piping classical music in after 5pm in an effort to curb the persistent antisocial behaviour being committed by gangs of bored youths. (Presumably whoever thought of this still hasn't seen A Clockwork Orange...) Amongst the recently reported incidents was a mass assault involving some 20 people when fire extinguishers were let off and staff were hit with thrown coins and signs (I'd see getting hit with an actual sign as a sign I needed to get a job somewhere other than McDonald's.... The hurled money thing would be slightly more ambiguous I guess. Strippers seem to love it, but then dancing naked for drunk strangers is probably better for your self esteem than working in a McDonald's in North Wales...)

In a further effort to deter the troublemaking loiterers, it's reported the “restaurant” will also disable their WIFI at certain times, meaning if anyone wants to TikTok themselves throwing coins at staff they'll have to attempt it on their own bloody 3G. (“Er, It's 5G now.” – ed. (“Errr, It's North Wales mate.” - me))
Wrexham's certainly not the first branch to employ classical music to set a certain, more “civilized” tone. McDonald's head office said the tactic has proven successful for more than a decade in helping relax diners and calming those desperately waiting for a freshly deep-fried box of McNuggets or the plastic toy in their Happy Meal.  A branch in Shepherd's Bush which had in 2017 reported 71 criminal acts in or around the store saw a dramatic reduction in incidents when they introduced classical music... of course they also saw a dramatic reduction in customers when everyone under 30 fucked off to the nearest KFC, which was still blazing the type of dance music you can really throw some signs to.

Whilst it leaves many bored or indifferent and actually appears to be a type of kryptonite to the Fast and Furious crowd, research studies have shown classical music is actually beneficial to our mental health and well-being. It's been shown to lower stress and anxiety levels, reduce depression, improve memory, mood and cognitive function and even help with pain management. The positive effects on mood should theoretically deter people from throwing coins at staff in McDonald's, although if a given symphony fell short of stopping coin throwing altogether, presumably improved cognitive function would result in better focus and accuracy and therefore a higher hit rate? On the upside, the staff in McDonald's, now struck by more coins might feel the pain of said thrown coins and the anxiety of the situation a little less. It's all very confusing but I think the message is clear.... eat in Nando's.... Or don't expect Mozart to pick up the clack for inadequate funding for education, youth centres, local entertainment, sports and recreation facilities....

Besides, classical music has not always kept its somewhat upturned nose clean, courting numerous controversies over the years. When Igor Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring premiered in Paris’s Théâtre des Champs-Elysées in 1913, the controversial subject matter (a sacrificial pagan ritual during which a virgin dances herself dead), confrontingly atypical music and choreography were expected to raise some eyebrows, but perhaps not chairs during an actual riot (or so the story goes). Of course the French love a good riot (reckon we could learn a thing or two there) but the seemingly bourgeois confines of a ballet performance are not where you'd expect things bigger than McNuggets to start getting chucked about. Despite its early controversy, Stravinsky's Rite of Spring was subsequently reappraised as his seminal masterpiece and is regarded as one of the most influential musical works of the 20th Century.... think the Macarena might have something to say about that...

John Cage’s 4’33” broke the mould and a few fragile minds when it was first showcased in 1952. The avant-garde American composer and Zen Buddhist had long been dabbling in the boundaries of auditory experimentalism as music when he conceived the three-movement “composition” which required nothing of its various musicians other than to sit and not play their instruments. The resulting quasi-silence, though it proved infuriating and deridable to many critics, was supposed to provide a moment of stillness and reflection for the audience, an awareness of what Cage called life's “isness”. Today we'd call it mindfulness or being present... Not something your really want to be in a Maccy D's in Wrexham. 

The incomparable Ludwig van Beethoven (you don't meet many Ludwigs any more...) originally intended to dedicate his mammoth third symphony to Napoleon Bonaparte who was, at the time, the talisman for the French revolution, a movement admired by the self-styled, free-spirited composer. He thought in Napoleon he recognised a true champion of freedom and a hero of the common man, but in late 1804, before the piece's grand unveiling, the short dude with the itchy nipple declared himself “Emperor” of all France, somewhat undermining the lofty ideals placed on him by the composer, who subsequently put him on serious blast, declaring “He's just a rascal like all the others.” BURRRRRN!

The gigantic symphony saw Beethoven, tormented to the point of nihilism by the gradual loss of his hearing taking a new, bolder path, aspiring in scope to a Homeric epic, full of valour, determination and integrity. When the new “Emperor's” actions took a figurative steamer on it, Beethoven literally ripped the “Bonaparte”-anointed title page from his manuscript and renamed it Eroica (Heroic),rather than completely scrapping the now tainted masterpiece. I mean, you certainly tear your Gary Glitter posters down but you don't bulldoze the whole house...
...Unless your house is a McDonald's.