Bite Me

Last month saw the cinema release of the horror / comedy mashup (not the only thing getting mashed up...) Cocaine Bear, a high concept story of an American black bear which scoffs a load of mislaid cocaine and goes on a drug-fuelled rampage, not just boring several people with loud, interminable self-aggrandizement, but also like, eating their faces off and stuff! Extremely loosely based on actual events – in 1985, a Georgian black bear did indeed ingest a duffel bag of cocaine dropped by an unfortunate smuggler whose parachute failed to open (he also ended up pretty mashed...) -though in the real life case, our furry friend Pablo Escobear, or Cokey, as he was posthumously named, quickly died of an overdose, mauling nobody, though no doubt profoundly upsetting his mum who must have wondered where she went wrong.

The tonally confused, ultimately disappointing Cocaine Bear joins the esteemed company of Snakes on A Plane, Sharknado and of course Sharknado 2 : The Second One, the veritable Ronseal of movies, promising to do exactly what they say on the tin. Whilst “high concept” typically refers to a type of story with a clear, easily-pitched premise, in certain cases it probably more accurately describes the conditions at the time of idea germination...

“Duuuuuuuuuude, I just had like, the dopest idea for a movie; Imagine if like, weather had sharks in it??!! GNAAAARLY.... Gimme back the bong... and the Oreos....”

What all these films represent is a particularly beloved subset of the high-concept B movie (lower budget commercial productions originally intended for distribution as the effective B-sides of cinematic double features) – THE CREATURE FEATURE.

As apex predators who generally go around eating whatever we like (and snorting the rest up our noses), humankind seems to be morbidly attracted to the notion that occasionally it's us that gets eaten, be that by a junkie bear, a giant anaconda, a genetically resurrected, rampaging T-rex or a particularly violent gust of wind with a hammerhead in it. We all like to switch our brains off from time to time (arguably a little too often...) and you generally know you won't struggle to follow the plot intricacies of a 90 minute film about people versus slugs (Slugs), people versus piranha (Piranha), people versus bats (Bats) or Mega Pythons versus Gatoroids (Mega Python vs. Gatoroid). Admittedly six-headed attack-sharks (6-Headed Shark Attack) may be a bit of a conceptual leap for some viewers but if you've already seen the prequels 2-Headed Shark Attack, 3-Headed Shark Attack and 5-Headed Shark Attack (Why no love for all the 4-headed sharks out there??...) you should be up to speed, though you need to have a serious word with yourself about proper time management.

One of the earliest “monster” movies remains one of the earliest movies full stop, when film was still in its silent era – it's much harder to make your audience jump when you can't just savagely clang those sound effects, but 1915's Der Golem (The Monster of Fate) drew on folkloric elements to tell its creepy tale of a clay statue brought to life which turns murderous when its love interest does not reciprocate its affection. Evoking an element of audience sympathy for its antagonist, it marks an early refrain for many a creature feature, where the selfish or irresponsible actions of humankind ultimately provoke a beastly reckoning. In this regard, perhaps the most famous monster story is that of King Kong, the 1933 original dazzling early audiences with its cutting edge effects, cinematic sleight-of-hand, thrilling action and emotionally affecting drama. The giant ape was at once a destructive, terrifying, yet deeply sympathetic force of nature, providing a level of allegory arguably lacking from DinoShark (2010), Swamp Shark (2011), Ghost Shark (2013) or Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (Does it really matter?)

At this point you may have noticed a preponderance of shark-based content amongst the raft of creature features released since the genre found its true footing with the wolf-men, mummies, vampires and black-lagoon folk of the 1930s, 40s and 50s. Undoubtedly, we have Jaws to thank for that, the 1975 Spielberg-led juggernaut often cited as creating the modern blockbuster (so-called since cinema queues were literally around the block). Featuring stellar performances from a talented cast and showcasing trademark, nail-biting tension from a young director who successfully wrangled a ballooning budget, adverse weather and malfunctioning animatronic nemesis into a popular masterpiece, it remains a benchmark in horror and an unsurpassed example of how to do “thing eats person” right. Unfortunately, so effective was it in demonising shark-kind, it spurred a decades-long rise in shark-fishing and trophy hunting... not to mention atrocities such as Avalanche Sharks (2014).

Ultimately, the best horror movies provide an escape from reality with a solid jolt of adrenaline and whilst a masked maniac with a knife may hit a little too close to home for some audiences, creature features, replete with fantastical beasts, absurd and extra-terrestrial threats and oftentimes a winking bit of humour provide a titillating but safe remove from more everyday horrors.

MY TOP 5: (Not including Jaws, Aliens and Jurassic Park because they're just default)

Dog Soldiers (2002): An energetic, funny ode to Aliens, featuring a game Sean Pertwee as the CO of a rag-tag crew of wise-cracking squaddies hunted by werewolves, it strikes a perfect balance of tongue-in-cheek and fang-in-jugular.

The Descent (2005): A claustrophobic, expertly paced British horror from the director of Dog Soldiers which pits a crew of female spelunkers against an unexplored cave system and thoroughly earns its midway curveball.

NOPE (2022): Jordan Peele's third feature shows him in full mastery of his craft. Suspenseful, thought-provoking and spectacular, it richly rewards repeat viewings. FYI that title is an acronym...

Tremors (1990): Kevin Bacon vs. giant sand-worms. What more needs to be said?

The Grey (2011): Liam Neeson leads a grizzled crew of plane-crash survivors harried by a vicious pack of wolves in the snow. The actor's real life mourning of his recently-deceased wife provides the gut-punch undercurrent of his stoic performance. Taut, savage and occasionally poetic, you'll be especially grateful for your warm, comfy sofa.