Clash And Burn
A long simmering feud between rappers-turned-actors (“raptors?”) Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson and Ja Rule (church-friendly name: Jeffrey Atkins) was publicly reignited in 2018, the cherry on top of which was Fiddy gleefully declaring on social media that he’d bought up 200 tickets for Jeffrey’s upcoming show, forcing him to sing to empty stalls. This particular episode in their beef, allegedly stemming from the rap feud go-to reason of perceived “disrespect”, was likely the basis for rumours which did the rounds this past December claiming actor-turned-rapper (“acter”?...hmmm) Drake had bought up all the floor seats at rapper-stayed-rapper (“rapper”) Kendrick Lamar’s show. The story goes Kendrick shrugged, pocketing the $300,000 rival Drake’s power play amounted
to and offered the seats out free to fans. In reality, the rumours, spread far and wide on the socials appear unfounded, lacking a single legitimate citation. Even more tellingly, they were roundly ignored by the legacy media who long ago sacrificed their souls at the altar of clickbait. Nevertheless, the story is emblematic not just of the age of misinformation, but the public’s interest in a good old celebrity feud, with 2024 having offered up a few corkers for us to keep track of as the new year progresses....
BLAKE LIVELY vs. JUSTIN BALDONI
Having worked together on last year’s breakout hit It Ends with Us, actor / director Justin Baldoni and co-star Blake Lively will next be locking horns in court, the latter having accused Baldoni of sexual harassment on set, in addition to which she claims he used a PR firm to orchestrate a smear campaign against her once she’d called out his on-set behaviour. Lively’s accusations, published in a damning piece in the New York Times have seen Baldoni now counter-suing the paper for libel to the tune of $250,000,000, claiming it was Lively who created the hostile work environment through her efforts to steam-roll production and force Baldoni aside. It’s a pretty grubby affair which has even seen Hollywood golden-boy, Blake’s beau Ryan Reynolds taking heat. It remains to be seen how the drama will unfold, but don’t hold your breath for a sequel to the fittingly titled 2024 hit.
HOLLY WILLOUGHBY vs. PHILIP SCHOFIELD
Though their friendship appeared to crash and burn in 2023 amid Schofield’s “unwise but not illegal” possible grooming scandal, This Morning stars Phil and Holly saw their beef get a little extra searing last September when the former took himself to a symbolically-rich dessert island for a socially distanced ten-day pity party, producing three hours of interminable TV bitterness and blame- dodging. Though sharing a title with the Tom Hanks classic, viewers hoping to see Schofield take an ice skate to his own teeth in his version of Cast Away were left disappointed. Instead he whinged a lot and burnt a list of all the “toxic” people in his life (presumably his own name was absent), casting Willoughby as one of “the three sh*ts” who ruined his career. It’s unclear if another of his estranged former costars, Gordon the gopher was amongst the remaining two... Where said career goes from here is anyone’s guess but it’s unlikely to match that of Willoughby, who reportedly has several million-pound deals in the works. Let’s see if she’ll buy up the whole front row when Phil inevitably ends up playing the baddie in local panto... “Oh no she wouldn’t!...”
GREGG WALLACE vs. MIDDLE CLASS WOMEN OF A CERTAIN AGE
The (former??...) Masterchef frontman had little room in his mouth for “buttery biscuit base” last year, so consistently full was it with his own foot. As allegations
of persistent inappropriate comments and sexual innuendos made by Wallace on the set of numerous shows hit the headlines, the embattled presenter
took to social media to decry the furore as the over-reactions of “a handful of middle-class women of a certain age”. The tone-deaf comment, which Wallace subsequently apologised for, went
down about as well as an offal souffle and saw celebs from Kirstie Allsopp to Ulrika Jonsson and even Rod Stewart sharing personal experiences with the grinning horndog which left a bad taste. As investigations revealed Wallace had been repeatedly warned over the years that his unsolicited, sexually- charged chatter was unacceptable, the sweet-toothed host, his career now hanging in the balance, may be getting served his just desserts.
GINGER SPICE vs. ALL THE OTHER ONES BUT MAINLY SCARY SPICE BUT ALSO POSSIBLY SCARY SPICE vs. ALL THE OTHER ONES
Having appeared on great terms at Victoria Beckham’s lavish 50th bash back in April, rumours were swirling of a 30th anniversary reunion tour for the Spice Girls, alongside a proposed Netflix documentary and highly lucrative spice- infused drama series set to net each member of the former girl group an easy mill for simply signing off. Despite talks allegedly progressing nicely, it’s been implied all endeavours have come a cropper at the sole behest of Geri Horner (formerly Geri Halliwell) whose reticence to participate has been blamed on her ongoing acrimony with Melanie Brown. The unswervingly gobby outspoken Mel B has long chided Geri over her real age, implying she’s more Old Spice, and in a 2019 interview with Piers. Morgan, Scary’s revelation that they’d slept together back in the day was refuted as publicity seeking by an incensed Horner. Though they profess love for one another, finding a manager to successfully mediate their relationship has apparently proven impossible. Meanwhile, other sources suggest it might actually be Brown her bandmates really, really, really wanna zigazig slap, apparently kicking her out of their group chat for continuing berating them about not reforming. She subsequently called them “dickheads” on TV but then she’s British so it’s just as likely to have been a term of endearment.