Modern Love
Become a skillful dater in the 21st century. By Alexandra Pocsik
Trying to find the right partner in the modern dating world can be tough. Full of temporary highs, too many lows, and disappointment.
That’s not to say we should lock up our heart and throw away the key. After all, we’re wired in a way that makes us crave love and affection - we just may have to kiss a few frogs before we find our prince.
From dating fatigue to the bitter sting of rejection, even the most confident daters are not immune to the negative side effects of ‘dating overload’ on their psychological and emotional wellbeing.
To help you navigate your way through the current dating scene that is swiping, ‘ghosting’ and sliding into DMs, we’ve unravelled the 21st-century love language so that you can become a ‘skilful’ dater. And hopefully, find your prince - either that or get a dog.
Dating apps: online shopping for partners
According to social researchers, online dating has produced some of the most profound and widespread changes to traditional courtship that have been seen in decades. It can bring out insecurities in many of us that we never knew existed, not to mention make us realise how shallow we are when we swipe left because of the type of shoes someone’s wearing...
Online dating coach and founder of ProfileHelper.com, Eric Resnick, thinks we should look at online dating as more of a ‘video game’ than a viable way of making a real connection.
Resnick says to use it as ‘just another way to meet people’; if we give it any more power than that he says we’ll ‘burn out’. “If you are spending more than 20 minutes of your day on dating sites or apps, you are doing it wrong and you need to reassess your strategy.” - Is that 20 minutes per app or altogether..?
A new dating language
It’s not as simple as asking someone for a drink and then riding off into the sunset anymore, partly because such chivalry died a long time ago, but also because actually having a conversation with someone new is clearly far too terrifying a prospect. Now, we hide behind dating profiles, sending messages like teenagers that have us giggling at the screen. And just as we’re about to meet up, someone gets ghosted (the person you’re seeing blocks, deletes and erases all records that you ever spoke, with no explanation).
This new phenomenon is just one of the toxic dating behaviours that have emerged as a result of online dating. Here’s a few more:
Swiping left: Dismissing someone as a romantic opportunity in less than the time it takes to sneeze, judging only by the cover.
Cookie-jarring: Keeping someone as a back-up in case it doesn’t work out with your current partner. Apparently, this is an insecurity that stems from the desire to feel safe and wanted.
Orbiting: When somebody is not quite a part of your life but makes sure to keep themselves relevant to you by popping up on social media or text for example.
Breadcrumbing: Sending sporadic but non-committal messages as a way of keeping a dating prospect on hold.
Paradox of choice: why more is less
Whether selecting a life partner or a dinner location, having too many available options can be consuming and draining (maybe it’s time to cut down from three apps to one).
This is something psychologist Barry Schwartz has taken a deep dive into in his book Paradox of Choice. He looks at why having an abundance of choices can increase the level of anxiety and depression...not to mention being a waste of time. He says: “At some point, choice no longer liberates but debilitates.”
People place so much importance on planning the perfect date they often forget that a true connection doesn’t need a tight agenda of pre-drinks followed by a fun activity and a fancy dinner. If it’s meant to be, it will be.
We need to stop putting so much pressure on ourselves - if we don’t it will drive us mad. Romance isn’t dead and the world of online dating has proven to be a hit with many, you just need to learn how to navigate it.
So, which dog are you getting?
